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Schnelly's Coaches Ballot for this week

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Schnelly's Coaches Ballot for this week

Courtesy of EDSBS.com  :D

October 21, 2009
HOWARD SCHNELLENBERGER’S COACHES POLL BALLOT, WEEK EIGHT

1. Suspenders. For the 39th week in a row.
2. Kansas. Liking the way that young man runs his football team. Even with that glandular disorder.
3. Mules. Loyal. Trustworthy. Cook up well if you know how to do it.
4. Cribbage. Underrated game. Won my first wife off Barry Switzer in a late night game once. I’d play it today if I wasn’t afraid of being ruled by passion again.
5. Johnny Paycheck. Now that’s a man who could write a love song.
Liked it so much we used it as our wedding song.
6. Turfman’s Aerosol Scotch. Looks like breath spray. Hits like a shot. Relaxes you for stressful things like driving.
7. USC. That little hippie’s got something going on out there, I tell you. Even if he dresses like a damn hoodlum.
8. Sock garters. When you show ‘em, they wonder: “What do his knees look like?” Only a slattern gent shows his knees on the first date, though. Leave them wanting more with the garters. The knees are a man’s vagina. Show them only when you mean business.
9. The seventeenth hole at Boca Lago golf course. Favorite place to relax. If you wonder why the grass is so green around the bunkers, well…that’s the byproduct of all that relaxin’ I been doing there.
10. Floatplanes. Best car I ever bought. Or the worst boat. Can’t decide.
11. The stuffed corpse of Lee Marvin. Sitting in my living room as we speak. Best conversation partner I got.
12. Virginia Tech. I like a man with scars. Unless he’s a man I gave those scars to, because it means I didn’t finish the job. Speakin’ of, I gotta go kill Frank Beamer now.
13. Cufflinks. The little signal lights indicating the profile of a great he-ship of the man-line.
14. Gladys at the Publix deli counter on 6th Ave. Watching her cut meat would make a Havanese rentboy go straight. Such forearms on that woman.
15. Haiti. If you’re a street charcoal afficionado like myself you’ll never have a better vacation. It’s delicious stuff.
16. Washington Huskies. Fake Canadians? Sure. Good football team? As long as Don James is in charge, you bet they are.
17. Plaid. Scottish camouflage, but useful for all seasons because it takes any stain you can throw into it. Believe me. I’ve tried. You can throw up a Thanksgiving dinner and a flagon of scotch into it and wear it out without turning a head. The Stealth Fighter Technology of patterns.
18. Gold Bond Powder. Couple a snorts in the morning will put you in the right frame of mind.
19. The Lincoln Town Car. When it hits a pedestrian, they stay down. (I’m looking at you, Honda Accord.)
20. Banyan trees. They get me.
21. Sugarcane. Does double duty as a whoopin’ stick and tasty summer treat.
22. The Florida Atlantic Owls. You have to believe in yourself, or no one else will.
23. Whittlin’. I like to start with a whole cow and keep carving away until I get the original shape I wanted.
24. The Samba. It’s a lovers’ dance, which is why I do it alone.
25. Leaving Las Vegas. They don’t make lighthearted comedies like they used to, but this one’s close.

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Re: Schnelly's Coaches Ballot for this week

Totally random to me, but at the same time, Hillarious!  Good stuff. ;D

I like the line about the scotch "It relaxes you for stressful things, like driving."  ;D

FAU - We got Bowls!
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Re: Schnelly's Coaches Ballot for this week

the guys at edsbs post a weekly Coach S top 25 ballot, they're hilarious, off the wall and only contain about 3 football teams. if you don't take these things too seriously it's quite funny.
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Re: Schnelly's Coaches Ballot for this week

15. Haiti. If you’re a street charcoal afficionado like myself you’ll never have a better vacation. It’s delicious stuff.

Whaa??

:D
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Re: Schnelly's Coaches Ballot for this week

I personally like the sugarcane reference. Good stuff.

GO OWLS!!!

You can run kitties, but you can't hide!!!
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Re: Schnelly's Coaches Ballot for this week

Check out the 9/28 entry:

HOWARD SCHELLENBERGER'S COACHES POLL BALLOT - Every Day Should Be Saturday

The Gatorade bath photo and caption are priceless.
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Re: Schnelly's Coaches Ballot for this week

It's amazing to look at that photo with Nick and Jarrid….they each lost over 70 pounds after they quit football…crazy!
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Re: Schnelly's Coaches Ballot for this week

The new one is up:

1. Suspenders, for the 746th week in a row.
2. Whole Plums. Codgers swear by prunes, but the pits are key. The digestive aid you can hear working.
3. Ted’s Drive-thru Smoked Fish, Liquor, and Mens Finery, A1A, West Palm Beach. All your needs in one place.
4. Accountants who don’t turn out to be housecats. I’ll get you, Colby Nolan.
5. Clydesdales. Mass transit Kentucky-style.
6. Squirrels. You’d think they’d make great corners, but we tried that in ‘85. Got us to a bowl game, but I wouldn’t dare try it twice.
7. Paraffin. Hair product, boat sealant, delicious snack.
8. Apollo 11. But not 13. John Swigert was a pantywaist.
9. David Allan Coe. That man can spell relief.


11. Post-hole diggers. Bury small amounts of gold doubloons in your backyard for a 401-karat retirement plan. Can also double as marital aid.
12. The English School of Feminine Landscaping. The palm trees let a man know he’s found the oasis, ladies.
13. Lobsters. Great listeners.
14. Thunder Road. Only instructional driving movie a man needs.


15. Mrs. Butterworth. Nothing like that silhouette to stir a man’s loins in the morning. Someday she’ll talk to me, that flirt.
16. Chum. Breakfast of champions, aftershave of ladyslayers, and surefire friend-finder for a morning swim.
17. Turfman’s All-in-One Flare Gun and Dentifrice Dispenser. Mind which end you use unless you want the wake-up call of a lifetime. Another essential product from the Turfman Company, makers of Turfman’s Scotch: “If you can’t join the Whig Party, you can always drink Turfman’s.”
18. Coriander. Grind a little onto your yarbles. Fresh as a daisy and smells like autumn. Ladies like it cozy down Mexico way.
19. Lima. Good town for a burro-throwin’, lady-towin’ man like myself. Their burros just love a good tossin’.
20. Grover Cleveland. Great president. Better hangman. The best muppet.
21. USC. God, John Robinson’s got some work to do there, I tell you.
22. Orange Julius. Demand they leave the shell on the eggs. Makes a mustache firm enough to scrub the scum off a tugboat’s hull. Which is what I’m doing right now.
23. Mack Brown. The man can rhumba like he’s skinned and eaten Carmen Miranda. And we’ve all been there.
24. Bolo ties, aka. “The West Texas Emergency Sex Brake.” Pull it for relief, ladies of the Llano Estocado.
25. Bathroom attendants. I don’t pay ‘em to applaud, but they do anyway.
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Re: Schnelly's Coaches Ballot for this week

This one is better than the one before! :D

My favs:

6. Squirrels. You’d think they’d make great corners, but we tried that in ‘85. Got us to a bowl game, but I wouldn’t dare try it twice.

25. Bathroom attendants. I don’t pay ‘em to applaud, but they do anyway.


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