Football Weekly - Volume II
I am reporting live from a cornfield somewhere in the middle of Nebraska near a town called Gatlin and I think I just saw some children scurry and hide amongst the cornstalks laughing maniacally. How did we end up in a cornfield in Nebraska you ask and even if you didn’t ask, I am going to tell you.
We met some happy Husky Corn people in the parking lot after the game and they shared with us a tasty concoction the locals call corn liquor (recipe here).
After imbibing with the locals we staggered back to the Smart Car and had the dangdest time getting in the car, it took us a little while but we finally figured out that those zany Husky Corn people had turned the Smart Car upside down! Two of us flipped it back the right way, we did our clown car exit in reverse and used copius amounts of duck tape to secure the other 11 staff members and we zig zagged our way out of the Memorial Stadium parking lot. After several hours of driving, I decided we were lost and I turned into a cornfield to ask the guy dressed in a denim jumpsuit with the straw colored hair how to get out of Nebraska . Interesting sidebar #1 – the corn is as high as an elephants eye in Nebraska too. I pleaded with him but he was relentless in his silence.
Staff member #4 (I am so bad with names I have taken to numbering my staff members) suggested I turn on the GPS navigation system. I was surprised that a car this small would actually have a navigation system. I asked #4 how to turn it on and he suggested I talk dirty to it but I was too embarassed to do that so he called out to #8 – “#8 stand on the roof and tell us where we are.”
Enough about our travels, as most of you know by now the big bad burly Owls lost to the Husky Corn people 49-3. One of the highlights of the game was the fact that our field goal kicker, Ross Gornall, out field goal kicked (little known sports lingo) the Husky Corn kicker, Alex Henerey the 8th I am I am, 1-0. Unfortunately, Henerey the 8th out extra point kicked Ross 7-0. Interesting side bar #2 – prior to kicking for the Owls Ross enjoyed 9 seasons on the hit sitcom “Friends.” The Owls also out penalized the Husky dudes 11-9.
In honor of the Open Date the Owls have this weekend I thought I would share with you a blast from the past, as always go Owls – Hoot Hoot Hoot!
Originally aired on October 6, 2006
With the Owls facing the yearly patsy known as Open Date University I thought I would take this time to answer my voluminous viewer mail. My crack staff has been working overtime to sift through the thousands of e-mails we receive on a daily basis. Oh, before I forget, if you would like to join the Fighting Owls Winnebago Legion (FOWL) simply send $100 cash via inter-office mail to attention Don Coker, Bldg. 47, Room 446. The $100 membership fee includes VIP access to the Winnebago on game day if you can find it and 1 small soft drink. Anyway, on to the mailbag, and as always these are actual e-mails from the FAU community:
What do you say to those people over at ESPN.com that have FAU ranked in the Bottom 10 of the college football rankings?
Baffled in Boca
I am often mistaken for Rob Reiner’s character in “All in the Family.” If you check closely Baffled, you will see it is actually FIU that is in the bottom 10 - see HERE. Who is the Meathead now.
Dear Should Win the Pulitzer Prize for Sports Writing Very Soon if He Has Not Already,
Your coverage of the FAU Owls football team is so incredibly moving. I am hard pressed to come up with adequate words to describe the beauty and magnificence of your work. How do you do it? All of those other writers are just a bunch of cock-a-doodies. If I could, I would tie you to a bed and hobble you so you would have to spend weeks with me just telling me all of your secrets!
Your #1 Fan
Dear Kathy Bates,
Um. You scare me.
Dear FAU futsbal covorer,
You r a good riter and you no so mutch abowt futsbal. Keep up the gud werk.
Dear FIU Alum,
I read your articles each week and I am constantly amazed at your stupidity. Where do you come up with this inane stuff?
When did you get a computer?