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Football Weekly - Volume III

Hi All,

This week the big bad burly boys of Boca battle the South Carolina Game Hens.  I decided to give my staff a break from riding in, on, and under the Smart Car this week we are flying to Columbia .  I checked with the airline and the Smart Car will fit comfortably into the overhead compartment.  Interesting sidebar #1 – There is a Columbia , South Carolina and a Columbia , South America .  The Ole Ball Coach Steve Spurrier leads the Game Hens and as a Gator alum, I was granted an interview with the Head Hen.  I gave him a call this past Sunday while I was driving 80 mph on I-95, referring to notes I had about the game and watching the Dolphin game on a small TV I have hooked up in my dashboard.

Me: Hi Coach Spurrier, what’s it like being the Head Hen in South Carolina ?

Coach:  What are you talking about?

Me:  You’re the Head Hen in Columbia ; you swaggered into town and declared yourself the Hen in charge.

Coach:  Hen?

Me: Chicken?

Coach:  What?

Me:  You.

Coach:  Who?

Me:  First base!


Me:  Hello?  I guess the big Hen himself has hung up on me. 

I hear ringing, either it’s time for my meds or I have a call coming in.  “Hello, oh hi #2 (he hates when I call him #2 but it makes me giggle) what’s up?  It’s what?  You’re kidding.  OK, I will make the change.”  It seems that the South Carolina Game Hens are actually the Game Cocks…that means everywhere I have Hen (s) I need to replace it with Cock (s)…I’ll go through and bold each Hen reference…uh…this does not look good…um…OK…well…this is embarrassing…

The Gamecocks lost in the last seconds at Georgia this past Saturday, it was an emotional game and several of the Carolina players have been in therapy this week.  We can only hope that the emotional aftermath of a devastating loss to their rivals will leave them barren of desire and the Hens will shrivel and hide when the Owls unleash their feathery fury.  Is that a call from the Hyperbole Hospital ?  Will my insurance cover it? 

Interesting sidebar #2 – My e-mails are being posted on the fauowlsnest website, in an effort to catch readers less fortunate (and that is not a dig at capitalism or Republicans or Democrats) than my FAU fan base up to date I am including posts from the past. 


September 14, 2007

Dateline:  The Winnebago

Good afternoon fellow Owl fans.  I was cruising down A1A in the Winnebago when I spotted University of Minnesota head coach Tim Brewster walking aimlessly here and there, to and fro, hither and yon, so I asked the coach if he needed a ride and each time he got close to the door handle I would speed up and then slow down.  Oh, the look on his face when he finally got in was priceless.  I took the opportunity to do a quick exclusive interview. 

Me (Driving Winnebago down A1A): “Tell me coach, how do you prepare for the Florida heat?”

Coach Brewster: “We’re playing the heat?  Nobody told me we were playing the heat!  That changes everything; I have to prepare for Shaq and Dwyane Wade!”

Me (Still driving but swerving noticeably):  “Uh Coach, you are playing FAU.”

Coach:  “FAU and the Miami Heat, hardly sounds fair.”

Me (Guffawing noticeably and swerving out of control): “Does anyone call you Punky?”

Coach (talking on his cell phone to his assistant coach Mike Dunbar):  “Mike, listen, we are playing the Owls and the Heat.”

Coach Dunbar:  “Yeah Coach, it will be hot when we play FAU.”

Coach Brewster:  “No you idiot, we are playing FAU and the Miami Heat, Shaq and Wade and the big bad burly Owls too!”

Coach Dunbar:  “Coach, where are you?”

Coach Brewster:  “I’m in some lunatics Winnebago on A1A; he is guffawing noticeably, swerving from lane to lane, and calling me Punky.”

Coach Dunbar:  “Get out of the Winnebago Coach, do it, NOW!” 

Me: (Still guffawing, swerving, and now talking to myself as I look in the rearview mirror): “Oh my, that is going to leave a mark; Coach Punky Brewster forgot to tuck and roll when he leapt out of the Winnebago.”
And now, back by popular demand, this week’s reader e-mail mailbag!

E-mail #1:  “Each year you complain about FAU’s non-conference schedule, if you were in charge of the schedule who or is it whom would you schedule?”

That is an excellent question and I am so glad I…I mean you asked that.  Here is a look at the schedule I would schedule if I could run the schedule or schedule the schedule for next years schedule. 

Week 1 – Hair Institute -  It’s a small school just starting out and we would have a decided advantage because they refuse to wear helmets…they mess up their hair!

Week 2 – National Eye Institute -   Another small college, they may be slow but they see everything out there!

Week 3 – American Institute of Massage Therapy – This would be our most relaxing win.

Week 4 – Palm Beach Nail School  - They may not play well but their nails look marvelous!

Week 5 – American College of Traditional Chinese Medicine  -  Now that is an away game.  This team can really stick it to you but about 30 minutes after the game you hardly know you played them. 

Week 6 – New York Film Academy – Coached by Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots

Week 7 – FIU 

Weeks 8-11 – No games, no classes, commence exchange program with Week 3 opponent American Institute of Massage Therapy.

I predict an undefeated season!  If only I were in charge! 

The Minnesota Golden Gophers invade June Lockhart Stadium this Saturday, hopefully Carl Spackler will be there to root out those pesky varmints.  Minnesota is a member of the Big 10 Conference, I did some exhaustive research (I counted on 2 hands) and I keep coming up with 11 teams in the Big 10!  Is there 1 little school that snuck in?  Count along with me at home (to the tune of Sesame Street ) – Illinois , Indiana , Iowa , Michigan , Michigan State , Minnesota , Northwestern, Ohio State , Penn State , Purdue and Wisconsin .  No matter how many times I count them I get 11 schools in the Big 10.  Keep an eye on the scoreboard Saturday and let’s hope the Big 10 is not in charge of the scorekeeping!